


Since I Lost You

by TheBlackWidower



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:47:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBlackWidower/pseuds/TheBlackWidower
Summary: “Did you feel your skin burn?” she asked suddenly. Her green eyes narrowing as they made contact with Abby’s, trained to site any sign of aggression but only found a broken woman.Confusion marred Abby’s face, “Burn?”“Yes. Your skin, your blood. Its as if someone lit a match inside of you and your…your blood is the fuel. It creeps up your body until your engulfed by it.” Came the pained whisper from Ellie, “Every loud noise, every bang, every god fucking sound threw me back in that room. You looked so happy, so proud of yourself, so satisfied. It was as if this was your life goal. Tell me, was it worth it?” tears were streaming down her face.Alternate ending, with my spin, and how it expands and affects what I think will happen to Ellie
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

“Did the pain stop?”

The waves lapped against her legs, flowing silently as a ghost, whispering into her ears. She could barely make out the back of the other’s head, dirty, spiked, and slashed. The grotesque hacks flashing her back through the people she had killed herself. Her eyes trained on the arms that once held her down, beating upon her face. Absentmindedly, she clutched her right shoulder, once broken and snapped. It never healed properly, leaving a dull pain over the months that inevitably lead to a soreness which she gladly accepted as a reminder. Reminder that her job never was finished, and she had failed.

“What?” the other women asked, turning around. Her once strong physique now atrophied to a husk, barely strong enough to lift herself off the ground. The waves had gotten slightly choppier, or that is what Ellie thought as she felt the water rise to her knee. Her green eyes raised to meet Abby’s sky-blue, looking for any of the resolution she supposedly received from bludgeoning Joel to death. Her mind flashed to the grey-red splotches along the lodge floor as she was held down that fateful day. She never realized it was his brain matter. Swallowing, she raised Joel’s revolver. 

“Did the pain stop after…after you murdered Joel” she barely whispered, “I need to know”.

Silence left them at the mercy of the whispers of the sea, whistling at them to fight, to end what they had both began. Neither had truly finished that they had set out to complete. 

Abby shoulders slumped even more than before; there was no fight in her. “I thought it would…But then you…” she turned away, “You know what you did.” She sniffled, breathing deeply before turning back.

“When…When I kil-murdered Joel”, she continued, “I thought that it was over, that I was free. I didn’t think anyone would come after me or my friends.” Her fists clenched tightly as her breathing began to sharpen as her mind recalled her dead friends, her eyes narrowing as the tears were fought. 

“Did murdering them bring any solace? Happiness?” Abby countered, turning around.

Ellie faltered, lowering the gun a few inches as her eyes focused on the seabed barely visible through the murky waters. Did she enjoy torturing Nora? Shooting Owen? Or the many other nameless people she had hacked through to get where she was now?

Ellie’s mind fought with herself, wondering what Joel would think if he were in her position, if she had been the one to die. Was there even a point in wondering what Joel would have done? He’s dead. 

“No…nothing took the pain away. Nothing…and here I am hoping your death will. So, tell me, did the pain stop?” Ellie’s eyes shone in anger, confusion, and agony as she raised the weapon again.

Abby’s eyes dimmed, a sigh escaping her lips. Her head shook, “It did, for a time. Before Seattle.”. Her arms drooped lifelessly by her body as Ellie raised the revolver, her hand shaking almost uncontrollably.

“Why?” Ellie burst, barely keeping the fire from burning the both of them, “Why like that? Why didn’t you do it quickly? Why did you make him suffer?”

“He had to know the pain I went through, understand how I’d lived the past four years after I saw…I saw my father’s body on the floor of that operating room with his throat slit like a animal to slaughter!” her body shook with the raw emotion of the memory.

“So you made me watch? Made me look at his face, what was left of it, as you finished him off? How are you any better than him?” her thumb cocked the hammer back as her left arm that was wrapped around her side came to steady her shaking aim.

“Ellie…you’ve made up your mind, whatever the decision is. So either shoot me or –“

“Did you feel your skin burn?” she asked suddenly. Her green eyes narrowing as they made contact with Abby’s, trained to site any sign of aggression but only found a broken woman.

Confusion marred Abby’s face, “Burn?”

“Yes. Your skin, your blood. Its as if someone lit a match inside of you and your…your blood is the fuel. It creeps up your body until your engulfed by it.” Came the pained whisper from Ellie, “Every loud noise, every bang, every god fucking sound threw me back in that room. You looked so happy, so proud of yourself, so satisfied. It was as if this was your life goal. Tell me, was it worth it?” tears were streaming down her face. 

“Sometimes…sometimes he..” she coughed, swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, “I would see him, and he would yell and cry out for help as you beat him and I was stuck under those…” she trailed off. She took aim, “I can’t escape you, that’s why I came back. I gave everything up just so I could think and live normally.” 

Abby’s eyes widened before looking at Ellie, pleading silently. Yet Ellie’s hard gaze killed the begging light in her eyes as she squeezed the trigger.

The shot rang through the air, thundering the few birds left in the trees into fleeing their nests. Abby lurched backwards, stumbling as her back hit the boat behind her, perched on her left elbow. Her right arm came forward to grab her chest, attempting the quell the massive wound there, gushing blood as her vision began to darken. Her coughs came gurgled and pained, her eyes begging Ellie for anything. 

Cocking the hammer once more, Ellie shot Abby in the neck. Blood spurted from the wound, lurching her head backwards as her throat was decimated by the round. Her spine was all that kept her head attached as she collapsed into the water, her body twitching once or twice before stilling forever.

Gasping, she lowered the gun. She couldn’t breath yet the freshness, the weightlessness and the freedom lifted her. The pure joy and guilt that simultaneously wracked her body was enough to bring her to her knees. The waves, curls of rubies, crashed against her waist as Abby’s body floated aimlessly around the second boat. 

Her pained and maniacal laugh echoed throughout the empty beach, bouncing back to her as she reveled in the freedom of her heart. She hadn’t lost everything for nothing. The gun in her hand, Joel’s gun, the gun that had saved her from all sorts of bandits, cannibals, rapists and infected could finally rest. 

A small whimper and groan broke her trance, bringing her back to the reality that Lev was still alive, if barely. She slowly stood and cautiously took the steps towards him, laying in the boat. His chest was moving slowly, methodically yet weakly. She swallowed thickly and raised the gun. It would be a mercy she told herself. He would starve or die by the elements. She tried to suppress the fact that killing Abby had caused his death indirectly, yet it was all she could think of. The fact that Lev’s death would be squarely on her hands due to her lust for revenge. He had done her no wrong yet here he was, dying by the hands of a stranger with no options, no way to fight. It sickened her, yet she knew that if she let this loose end go it could be her dead in the water, with Dina or J.J laying in this boat. There were enough lies in this world, and she wasn’t going to add this one to the list – she was killing Lev so there wasn’t going to be any future problems. She placed the gun under his chin and quickly pulled the trigger, coating the motorboats aft with his brain matter as his body spasmed before stilling.  


Shaking, she went to the body of Abby finding her dog tag floating along her mutilated body. Gingerly, she picked it up before returning to her boat and stumbled into it, ignoring the tears streaming down her face as she revved the engine.


	2. Chapter 2

Her shoulder pained slightly at each step she took, her face morphing into a grimace as the throbbing from her flank never seemed to cease. The trees shook in agony as the wind breezed them in a freakish direction with almost comical strength. The sun blazed in its glory above Ellie, warming her skin yet inside she felt the freezing cold of emptiness and pain. To say she felt better would be true, she felt free from Abby, from the past year. Yet she didn’t know what she would come home to. If there was a home. If there was Dina or J.J waiting for her, or if she had left.

A rustle in the bushed startled her, her bow drawn and aimed in a fraction of a second. The bow string was taught to her right cheek, the comforting roughness of the linen grazing a small scar that marred her face. Her eyes swept the surroundings, looking for what had caused the noise, looking for any distortion in the otherwise ambiguous nature that encompassed her. Yet nothing seemed to become of it, the minuets passing like hours as Ellie’s back began to cramp from holding the bow at full draw. Slowly, she lowered the bow, keeping the arrow knocked, before padding onwards.

As the hours passed, her stomach growled yet she didn’t feel the hunger, only the fear of what might have happened to Dina or J.J after she had left. If Jackson still existed after the months she had been away or if she had left them when they had needed her the most. She managed to crawl through some underbrush before coming to the top of a hill, overlooking a valley. The sun danced off the side of the mountain before reflecting on the wheat below, shining like gold under the sun’s embrace. The white house just sitting above the fields was a comforting view, yet Ellie could tell something was different. It looked tired and empty. Abandoned and lost. The sheep that would normally graze in the open field were gone, replaced with the whistling of the wind, taunting Ellie. Her fingers clenched tightly, her nails marking her palm with crescents. She could hear the laughing, the hope and happiness she thought she had.

It had taken months and numerous attacks and flashbacks before she knew she was living only a half truth. That she was only happy to keep Dina happy and J.J safe. That her skin would boil when she would see Joel’s guitar, but she would smile and play something for Dina when asked. She would blame the breaks in her façade to a noise or an image that would remind her of what happened but in reality, it surrounded her. J.J would bring back the face of Jesse, lying on the floor after the bullet tore into his face. How Dina’s scar on her shoulder would constantly remind her of the knife that was held to her throat. Or the worst was when a metallic sound would come ringing out towards her and she would be thrown back to the ground as people held her, making her watch Joel as she begged. She wondered if it would be better if they had just finished her then and there, put her out of her misery.

As the sun rose to its apex, she reached the house, the white shining with a fake glint. As she opened the door, it creaked loudly, screeching as it was pushed. _I didn’t even oil the hinges_.

“Dina?” her hope was a glint of light in the abyss she had dug, swallowing everyone around her. _She didn’t leave, you did. She didn’t want to remember that I left our family._ The thought swallowed her heart, but she pushed forward, trying to see what little light there might be in this void. She climbed the stairs leading to the second floor, hoping that maybe she’d come back because she forgot something, but Ellie knew that wouldn’t happen.

Dina didn’t forget anything, Ellie did. She forgot that she was somewhat happy, had a family that care and loved her and had a reason to live. But could she have lived that half-truth? That half lie? She would be lying if she said there wasn’t any nightmares after that day on the beach but there wasn’t the weight of revenge or anger upon her shoulder like there used to be. Now it was just the emptiness when you have no one to live for. She had lived for Joel before the truth came out. Then it slowly turned to Dina when their relationship blossomed, and finally J.J when he was born. But she now had no one and nothing. In a crude sense, she was free and could do anything, but the pointlessness of her life crushed her. She could’ve died in that hospital or she could’ve simply lived with Dina but instead she let her anger and revenge take her purpose away from her. Not for the first time in the past few months she cursed Joel and the love she had for him.

The rooms were left barren except for Ellie’s storeroom. Tubs were full of her possessions, music, clothes she couldn’t take, the books she never read and her guitar. Creaking the door open, she slowly stepped inside, noticing that the window was left open. Her possessions were exactly how she had left them as if Dina had never entered the room. The warm summer breeze pushed past her face, trying to sooth the ice-cold despair inside her but only seemed to make it worse, the shards in her veins branching out from her heart and into her body. With trembling hands, she bent down and unclasped the instrument’s case. She rested her hands on the asymmetric casing, slowly tracing it with her nail. Taking a deep breath, she opened it and reached in. She was greeted with a comfortable weight in her hands as she lifted the guitar, the weight of the head putting strain on her left wrist as she gripped the guitar near its tail end. She felt her muscles in her wrist strain as she twisted it around, bring the head to rest comfortably in the embrace of her right arm. Dina never touched the guitar, never had asked to hold it after coming back to the house. It was something so dear to Ellie that she didn’t want to take that from her, and Ellie knew that Dina never touched the guitar after she left. Everything, even the tuning pegs were left as she last remembered.

Sitting down by the window, she strummed the guitar and adjusted one of the pegs. It twisted smoothly and with no resistance. She couldn’t help but let out a sigh, her mind resting on the last conversation she had with Joel and how he was playing. It was a song she had never heard. The up-beat tune, the major cords harmonizing together created a sense of hope, yet she could tell an undertone of sadness in it. She swallowed thickly, looking down at her hands and flexing them. Scars webbed out from her palm and leeched into her wrist - the knife cuts, scratched, the bite she had. She wondered if Joel would’ve taught her that piece, it sounded so calm and _happy_ yet also truthful. It didn’t lie but it spoke to her now. It almost said that people could be happy and okay and instead of wallowing in a pit of vindictive pain and hate. That they could crawl out and become the person who they wanted to be. Did she crawl out?

Her hands landed comfortably into action, strumming the song she had practiced for years. The first song that Joel played for her. But she didn’t sing. It hurt too much to sing as flashes of their past flew through her mind. The porn comic she had read in the car, the museum, the spaceship launch, and everything in between. Joel had found what he wanted to fight for, and he fought for her. Her vision began to blur so she simply set into the muscle memory she had developed and looked away from the guitar into the blank wall, hoping that her emotions would disappear, yet they continued to fester. She couldn’t hold the sob back, her mind focusing on his stupid bearded face. His choked smile when she asked if he wanted to watch that movie later at night. The hope that shone in his eyes when he saw that she wanted to forgive him after all the years she spent hating him, thinking that she had the _time_. The shock and pain knowing that he might have died thinking she still hated him, that she despised him for a stupid decision where he acted out of love and pain. Would she have done any different? Did she do any different?

Halfway through, she stopped. She couldn’t finish. She could barely keep her hands from shaking from the pain that dashed through her. She had been given so many chances to stop, to think through her fucked plan, to maybe conclude that it wasn’t worth it. That what she had, finally, at the farm was maybe worth the broken truth she lived. She would’ve lived that life if she had realized the peace it would bring to the few that still cared. To those that stood by her in the heat of it all her emotions. And all they could was suffer one betrayal after another as she ran between cities and towns to find a stupid girl who would have died had she simply stayed Dina and J.J. Stayed _home._


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy had always hated the warmth of summer, his shirt sticking to his chest awkwardly and ajar. Cursing, he readjusted the crinkles in his shirt, flattening it out across his chest. Blinking his eye clear, he ushered his horse along the trail turning back to call,

“Robin, I think we’re clear on this trail. We only caught that one runner and I haven’t found signs of anymore. Whatd’ya say we head on back to camp? They could use this trail for huntin’.”

Laughing, the older man responded, “Now Tommy, wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of Maria, now would ya? We still got one more road to travel, and god knows Seth needs more steak. Old fart can’t shoot for shit these days. Sends us younger guys out, huh.” He huffed in annoyance as he angled his horse in line with the slope starting to form at their feet.

“As if running one more trail would make her…” he trailed off, his eye focusing on a hill a few miles out. A log cabin was perched on its flat peak, overlooking Jackson. He swallowed before turning his horse around, his leg aching.

“let’s hit that trail up, Robin. Get it over with eh?” he painfully asked his old friend, his face contorting to a plea. Meeting his eye, Robin simply nodded before he too doubled back. Silently they detoured along the path’s line, their eyes looking around for signs of infect or wildlife that would pass through the area during the summer. Summer would also bring predators, attracted to the abundance of life that had sprung up.

“How’s the family doing after…” he couldn’t finish, his eye twitching as he turned to Robin. Robin averted his gaze, looking out over dense forest that surrounded the two, his hands tightening around the reins of the caramel horse.

“My wife has…she has our daughter at least. Dina and J.J are great too. Amazin’, even. And you?” he turned, facing Tommy who visibly inhaled. His mind angrily sifted through the events for the hundreth time.

“Not…not as bad as before. I’m not sure if it was a curse or a blessing – being knocked out. Being able to do nothing or to hear him screamin’ till the day I died. Ellie heard ‘em. God, I did wrong by her, Robin. Went back a week later and she was already gone, left the night I told her where Abby was. Fuckin’ right prick I was, and I probably got her killed. Joel would shoot my other leg off.” He half chuckled at the thought, a fitting punishment in his eyes.

“Would.” came the whisper, barely overheard by Robin several feet away who grimaced slightly. Tommy’s eye began to scour the ground as the minuets passed, looking for tracks that would signify that infected had been through the woods.

“Tommy…he was a good-”

“Footprints, Robin, large and small.” He cut him off, eyeing the ground just ahead on the dirt trail. He dismounted painfully, limping over. “Haven’t seen them before, come over here and look. These aint human nor infected.”

Robin skeptically slipped his shoes out of the stirrups, landing on the ground with a thud. “What the fuck are you on about Tommy? Your eyesight’s kinda shit these days.”

“One eye is enough to see that these are huge, chief.” His gaze turned towards a tree a few feet up. “Over here as well, there are some claw marks on ‘em trees. What the fuck? No infected has feet like this, nor claws like that” he drawled out, pointing the near white vertical scratches on the otherwise worn bark.

Robin bent low to inspect the tracks in the dirt, noticing a distinct open, flat-footed, and clawed track that had a set of trailing, smaller, tracks. Looking up at the tree, he paled slightly.

“Tommy…I think these might be bear marks. And cubs.” Came a low whisper, his head turning around to spot the possible danger that might have snuck up on them.

Laughing, Tommy shook his head in disbelief, “Don’t fuck with me. I haven’t seen one of them in years. Never around Jackson either. They don’t come this way, there’s too much of the horde that passes through at this time of the year.”

“Except, there wasn’t much during this year. Of all the patrols we ran, the runner we ran into was the first one I’ve seen on our trail since the summer started. We should probably head back to Jackson, let Maria-“

“Robin, we need to go after this. This could be heading towards the other patrol right now. We maybe missed it by maybe a half hour by foot– these are fresh.” His blonde hair wishing past his shoulder as he turned his head to face Robin.

“Tommy, we can’t take on the bear alone. She’d tear us apart if we get close. Mothers are the most dangerous, she’d rip us to shreds.” countered Robin, his face narrowing.

“And the poor sods who she decides are a nice meal? We aren’t the only ones out. There were a couple of boys out, barely old enough to shoot a gun. We just gonna let…let this go by?” Tommy angered back, standing to his full height, turning to face his friend. “They _will_ die. And you know it. We either let them die or we help them. It’s as simple as that.”

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The warmth of the breeze aggravated her as she trudged through the undergrowth that surrounded Jackson for miles during the summer. She had a plan. An unfinished plan. She didn’t know what to do after reaching Jackson. She hoped that Maria would be, at the very least, accepting. She had barely spoken to her after settling down in the farm, opting for the separation afforded by messages. She knew that Maria didn’t blame her for what had happened to Tommy but, in a twisted sense of logic, Ellie drag the blame back onto her. She dragged everything onto herself.

_What if I had just taken the stupid fuckin’ map with me? Would Tommy be able to walk? Would Jesse be here to see his child?_

Jesse’s parents didn’t blame her, she knew that much as well. Their letter said that, very explicitly. But now that she left their newborn grandson and their daughter-in-law to fend for themselves as she had trudged through one god forsaken state after another to kill a woman that decided to leave them alive? The question wasn’t who’d take her back, but why should they? What has she done for them in the past year that hasn’t brought rife, pain and the loss of a loved one?

Her stiches began to burn along her flank; she hadn’t replaced them in days by now, nor had she looked at the wound. The small worry of infection that rose in the part of her mind that wasn’t already consumed in the self-hatred, that had circulated through the rest of her body, was swiftly crushed. She simply didn’t care. She barely ate, only doing so as her mind occasionally reminded her that it had been many hours if not days since her last meal. Her nights were long, lost in thought as she tried in vain to sleep only to be awoken by the slightest sound caused by a tiny animal.

Favoring her right side, she pushes past some vegetation coming to the base of a small hill covered in grass, a dull bronze under the sun’s rays. With heavy feet, she began the arduous climb, cursing gravity as the pain began to become more and more real instead of a small notion she ignored in the back of her mind.

Reaching the top of the hill, she came to overlook Jackson. Its walls were high and mighty, towering over the surrounding area. When fully manned it was an armed fort, peering down menacingly on those who would approach it. 

Her throat was dry as she tried to swallow her reluctance. With shaking knees, she stumbled down the hill which lead to a thick tree line, almost a small forest, that separated the glowing fields from the comforting grey wall before her. Clenching her right fist, her left hand came up to push on the knuckles, cracking the joints. It was a vain attempt at dispelling the discomfort she had coursing through her body, the heaviness in her heart slowly weighing the rest of her down.

Weirdly, she had come across a half-eaten deer corpse thrown around unceremoniously, its legs splayed outwards. Inching forward she was wary of runners, the bites and scratches looked powerful and numerous along with the way that something had dug hungrily into the carcass’s abdomen. Rustling in the woods, hundred feet or so away, caught her attention. Unhooking the bow from her shoulder, she continued to inch forward until the tree’s parted with the deer left in an open patch before her.

Huddled in the bush, she started to notice two small shapes darting through the bushes, their yelps akin to that of a dog, yet noticeably deeper and lacking the high-pitched whines that would accompany their communications. Ellie felt her body stiffen in response, her ears listening to what this creature might be. Raising her bow, drawing it to full length, she strained to see the shapes she had just noticed. Creeping forwards she heard a twig snap in front, to the right. Swiveling her aim, she could barely make out the shapes of hairy quadrupeds, shuffling back and forth along the thick bush lines that surrounded her.

Peering closer, she felt her heart stop. This was no dog, nor was it a large feline. Rather, it was a pair of grizzly cubs. The forest had turned eerily quiet, the chirping of birds seemed to have ceased while even the buzzing of the few bugs surrounding was swiftly quieted by the figurative presence that seemed to stalk Ellie. Quickly whipping around she frantically looked around, trying to place the position of the mother grizzly. The silence was deafening. Dropping her bow, she desperately attempted to ready out her shotgun that was left inside of her backpack.

The thudding of four pads on the ground caught her attention, spinning around just to see the face of a bear crashing into her before she was thrown into the air. Crashing down hard on her back, she attempted to breathe as the bear padded forward, eager to protect her cubs. The pain was blinding as she flailed around, trying to force air into her lungs. Looking around, she noticed her backpack had been thrown a handful of feet away from her. On her stomach, she ignored the fire ripping into her back and shoulder as she crawled her way.

Before she could even reach the bag, she was picked up roughly by the skin on her back, the teeth of the bear ripping into the flesh. Screaming, she tried to swat the bear but to no avail – the bear was simply too strong, tossing her around like a doll. Through the dulling pain, she heard the quiet mewls and high-pitched growls of the younglings, almost urging their mother to hack and slash her way through Ellie’s back.

Throwing her on the forest floor, the bear closed her jaws around Ellie’s right bicep, digging into the arm and shattering the bone inside. Ellie could barely scream, unable to breathe and her sense dulling as blood begin to pool around her from the cuts and slashes across her skin as the grizzly simply played with her small, malnourished frame. The weight of the animal on her made it near impossible to breathe, her body shuddering as the weight caused the feeling in her legs to slowly numb.

Through her tears she managed to grab one of the straps of the bag. Pulling with what strength she had left she tipped her bag over. Reaching inside she felt the oddly comforting grip of her sawed-off shotgun, the grip was textured and grinded down for her to have a better hold. All this while the grizzly’s jaw was wrapped painfully around her arm, slightly gnawing at the flesh of her arm. Its many teeth sending shudders through her arm, vibrating the shattered bones. Gritting her teeth, she let out a pained moan as her fingers tightening around the handle and her index settled comfortably on the trigger.

_I hope this shit’s fucking cocked otherwise I’m going to die out here. To a stupid bitch bear at that._

Raising the gun, she bared it to the face of the bear perched on top of her. With the bears focus now shifting to the new object in Ellie’s left hand, it let out a loud roar rose form its monstrous lungs, echoing throughout dense forested area they were situated in. Her armed burnt like gasoline fueled fire, much worse than anything she’d experienced in Santa Barba or Seattle. But she’d felt worse, and she pushed the gun into the open mouth of the bear. With gritted teeth she pulled the trigger, feeling the push back on her shoulder and almost dislocating it. The growl stopped abruptly as she was smattered with the bear’s blood and brain matter, and it tipped over, half falling on her. She cried out in pain as the bear landed on her broken arm.

“Stupid fucken’ bear” she laughed, half delirious, half out of relief.

She lay there, shaking and shuddering as the blood pooled from her arm and her body around her. It coated the vibrant green in a dark shade red, near black. Coughing, she tried to shift her right arm out under the bear only to scream out in agony as it shifted the shattered bone within. Breathing and gasping she tried again but to no avail, only letting out another shrill scream. Suddenly, she realized, she wasn’t done. The two cubs approached her warily, almost intrigued, and ignorant of their mother’s sudden death. Raising the shotgun, she pulled the trigger on one of them only for the gun to click like a lock.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, where’s my fucking pistol._

Her holster was strapped to her right thigh, under the wet and heavy fur of the bear. Cursing, she reached into her bag and found the familiar weight and feeling of Joel’s revolver. She swore before taking aim and shooting one of the cubs. Her hand, unsteady and shaking, caused the shot to glance off its front leg. Its pained yelp and the scattering of feet was enough for Ellie; she had scared them off.

She tried to focus on her breathing as she lay there, bleeding slowly but surely from her arm and back. Her mind kept moving to Joel’s disfigured face, trying to rationalize the pain she was experiencing. His eyes were barely open, yet she could see the recognition in them right before the light was torn from them as the club came rushing down on his skull. She blinked, trying to regain a semblance of consciousness as the clutches of sleep drew her nearer. Swallowing she pushed on the bear with her good hand, moving it slightly and shifting it inch by inch off her body. Screaming, half in agony half in exertion, she managed to shift it slightly before it rolled back onto her. The weight of the bear simply crushed her arm even more, leading to Ellie letting out a pained whimper.

Swallowing another scream, she shifted her free leg under the body and poised with her hand for one more attempt. Grunting, she bit her teeth through the pain as she attempted to roll the bear once more. With a shove from her leg, she managed to shift the bear over, tipping it over to its side. With another small shove with her hand, she managed to roll it over, onto its back.

She could barely breathe, trying in vain to grasp what little her chest would allow as it slowly readjusted to the lack of weight on it. Using her backpack, she attempted to push herself up, but her strength failed her. Collapsing, she shielded her arm, grimacing as the landing shook her body. There was blood everywhere, pooling around her as she tried to stay awake. The sun’s rays bled through the leaves, reflecting off the dark red blood that slowly spread around Ellie, her back an angry mess of claw marks.

She half lay, half sat there waiting for god knows what. Perhaps the yowls of the infected that would eventually close around her as night fell. Or, maybe, the seemingly friendly man that would eventually be a cannibal and chop her up into little pieces. She smiled at that, weirdly. Such a fucked up experience but she _had Joel_. And he kept her safe. And here she was, dying at the hands of a fat bear that had decided that this was a suitable migration path.

_What a shitty way to die._

She fought the urge to close her eyes, the sun never moving from its skin-beating position in the cloudless sky. _This heat is almost comical._ She was in Oregon, and yet here she was. Her skin clammy and her body slowly dying in the heat. Her breathing continued to struggle, her vision slowly starting to darken. Before she closed her eyes, she was shaken by a man.

_Fuckin’ cannibals_

He easily lifted her, Ellie too weak to even protest or yell as her bad arm dangled uselessly around. Using her good arm, she reached into her pocket to feel the comfort of her switchblade. She was about to unsheathe it and swipe when the man called out,  
  
“Tommy! I found someone. She’s torn to all hell, help me get her back. She ain’t one of ‘em boys on patrol. What do we do?”

_Tommy?_

She let the pain consume her, closing her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy sat quietly in his couch, his hands meddling with his watch as he tried to get the time right. The walls surrounding him were normally a welcome feeling, the comfort of home. But today they seemingly closed in on him, choking him as he sat motionless on the couch. The solace that the brown, wooden walls were replaced with a creeping sense of dread. Letting out a sigh, he placed his watch on the side table before rubbing his hands in frustration.

Getting up, he prepared to make himself some food as the sun set through the window. Before he could decide on which tasteless meal he would have that night a knock sounded on his door. Drawing a deep breath in frustration, he walked slowly over to the wooden door. He expected that he had forgotten about a patrol run he was supposed to be on but instead of Robin, Maria stood before him.

“Oh…Hi Maria, wasn’t expecting you at this time.” He quietly said, clearing his throat as he grew uncomfortable. His hand came to scratch the back of his neck as her eyes narrowed before softening.

“I didn’t ask before but were you hurt?” she asked with genuine concern, slightly chewing on her lip as if she were a teenager once more.

Tommy’s eyes lit with confusion at the question, then shook his head slightly before answering, “No, no, I’m fine…How’s…how’s Ellie?” he stammered

Maria forced a smile, before shaking her head, “Doctors say she’ll be fine, minor damage here and there. Maybe a few scars to add to the list,” she grimaced, “But her hand, they don’t know. Her arm was torn to shit, her hand also got caught in all of the…” she gestured in the air before sighing. “She’ll live, that’s for sure.”

Tommy tried to swallow but he could barely breath, turning around to head back into his house to mull over what he had inadvertently caused. As he turned, a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Tommy, this aint your fault. You got to her just in time. You saved her life.”

Letting out a pained laugh, he met her eyes, “Yea, but I fucked it up as well. When the world took everything from her, I asked for more.”

“What are you saying?”

Tommy clenched his fist, trying to swallow his anger before turning back to Maria, “All the things that have happened, everything from Sarah to Joel to Ellie, it’s all my fault. I should’ve…I-” he broke off. He took a deep breath, trying to calm the racing heart that pounded away in his chest. She remained silent, waiting for him to continue. He was grateful, his mind racing through memories he’d rather forget.

“I just…I just wish things weren’t the way they are, Maria. Between us, about Joel, Ellie the whole fucking nine yards. And after everything I gave up trying to find Abby, I still have nothing.” He couldn’t meet her eyes, his shoulders slumped as he went back into his house.

“So, if you killed her, it would’ve been worth it?” The wind whistled around them, the cool evening air brushing past their hair. Maria held her breath, waiting for his response.

He stopped in his tracks, his back to Maria as he stood in the doorway. “No, but it would’ve been something after I lost everything.”

That stopped Maria in her tracks, she opened her mouth to retort before closing it. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear but for once, in a long time, it was the truth.

“I should see her tomorrow.”

“You should.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wind was whipping up, tearing through the houses as Dina made her way back, blinking past the strong breeze that dried her eyes. She brushed past the small greenhouse farm and the bars that littered Jackson, rushing to reach home. The sun had set hours ago, and night had fell though the city was alive with lights and a bustling crowd gathered around each of the bars.

She ignored them, brushing past familiar faces and made her way through the alleys she had once joyfully hopped through as a kid to reach what she had to call home. Letting out a sigh, she crept up her porch steps to open her door, calling out as she entered the warm house,

“Hi, I’m home.”

She waited before a reply came echoing out from the upstairs bedroom. It was an old and weathered voice, almost reminding her of Joel. She winced at the memory, at what it had caused, before she hastily shelved it. She was afraid of what it might bring up in her.

“We’re upstairs Dina and I made dinner if you’re hungry. Roasted chicken and some potatoes on the side.” Came the cheerful reply, Robin clearly enjoying his time with the toddler.

She considered eating before putting aside the thought, climbing the stairs hastily to her child. The stairs creaked loudly as she stepped on them. Entering J. J’s room, she quickly approached the older man cooing the young child in his hands.

Smiling, she half hugged the man before turning her attention to J.J. She swiped his hair as he yawned, stretching his pudgy hands in the air before grabbing Robins shirt at the collar, babbling nonsensically. She couldn’t help but smile at him, noticing his hair getting longer or that his arms and legs grew out to be more proportional to the once oversized head.

Robin set the child back in the small bed, the blue and grey soothing the child. The man let out a sigh as Dina noticed his age catch up to him.

“I hope he wasn’t too bad?” she asked, biting her lip. “I know he can be a handful sometimes…” she trailed off.

“No, no, its fine. He was good. Just looks so much like Jesse when we had him.” He took a breath in, shaking his head. “He was a good kid.” He whispered.

Dina swallowed, trying to get the image of losing her child out of her mind. “I couldn’t…I don’t think I could imagine what it would feel like.” Her gaze shifting to her son, half asleep already. 

Robin mirthlessly grunted, “Never expected to bury my own son. No parent does. But that idiot was a risk taker, thought he was invincible. Men that age.” he shook his head as a small smile gifted his face, “I wasn’t that different. I thought I could protect my parents when the outbreak started, but it took them. All I had was my wife.”

“Robin, I…I didn’t think…I didn’t know he would follow us. If I knew I was pregnant before, and it was his and that-”  
  
“I don’t blame you, Dina. Never have. He followed you and Ellie out of loyalty and love. He found what he wanted to fight and die for. He protected his child with his life. He didn’t die for nothing, Dina.”

Dina couldn’t meet Robin’s eye, averting her gaze to stare at her son. She hastily wiped at her face, her lip trembling.

“I’m sorry…”

“Dina, you don’t have to keep-“

“He didn’t know.” She interjected quietly, cutting him off. “He didn’t know it was his and…and he died not knowing. I was scared and stupid and I…I thought we had more _time_. Time to think and to try to understand what the fuck was going on and…and he just died.” She couldn’t help as the tears formed in her eyes and as the guilt spread across her body.

Robin quickly got up and came to her, wrapping his arms around Dina. “It’s okay, we all thought we had more time with him, and Joel and everyone who died. But they died for us and we gotta keep living our lives for their sake at least. He may not have known but J.J is alive because of what he did. If he can see us now, he’d be okay with that.”

“How do you know that?” she sniffled

“Because you’d die for J.J. Because I know I’d do that in a heartbeat if Jesse or his sister we in danger. It what we parents do.” He said immediately, without a need to think twice.

Dina nodded her head, her face buried in Robin’s shoulder. She was comfortable there. Life for her had moved on, even if there was a large hole where her heart was. She had J.J and he was filling the void. She took a deep breath before stepping back, a smile gracing her lips before she bent down to brush the hair of the sleeping baby. It was already getting quite long, covering his entire head by this point.

_They always seem to grow so fast. How long till he’s as tall as me?_

“Dina…There was something that came up today when I was on patrol” Robin muttered as they calmed down.

“What is it?”

His gaze rose to meet hers as he swallowed thickly, “I when we were on patrol... we found this girl”

  
Dina stiffened visibly, her jaw locking as she continued to stare at Robin, “And?” she asked sharply.

“It’s her, Dina. It’s Ellie.” He murmured. “She…she was badly hurt by a bear and we barely got to her in time. She lost a lot of blood, Dina. I thought you’d want to know that she-“

“I don’t care, Robin.”

“Dina…I know that it’s painful and that she hurt you. And you don’t ever have to forgi-”

“It’s not that she left me. It’s that she left J.J. I can get over her leaving me, but not my child. She was supposed to be his mother, to care and be there and she _left._ Am I supposed to just forget that? Give her another chance when we had the perfect life that she ruined?”

“How do you know it was perfect for her?” Robin asked quietly, “Honestly, how do you know? Was it really that perfect? Did she suddenly have an amazing life? How could she after what she’d been through, what she’d _seen_.”

“Are you telling me to-”

“I ain’t telling you to do shit, Dina. You can never forgive her, and I’ll be by your side till the day I die. But you don’t have the same ghosts haunting you like she does. You never had to think about Abby killing you instead of Jesse, or if she had reached Joel before he had been caught by Abby. She has to walk around with that on her. We all do, in our way. The people who sacrificed themselves to save us will always haunt us.”

“And what of my guilt for being stuck in the back of the theater while Jessie got shot? Knowing that I was a burden, that maybe if I was stronger, I could’ve been there for Jesse and saved his life? Or that Tommy wouldn’t be as he is now? I share that same guilt, Robin.”

  
Dina looked away as her emotions came up through her, the mixture of anger, betrayal, grief, and dozens of others that overlap and battle. It created a volatile concoction inside that ate through her.

“It’s not the same, Dina. From what I hear…she was there when Joel died. She didn’t find his body, she found him alive. And they made her _watch_.”

  
Dina just shook her head in defiance, bunching her fists at her side as tears pricked her eyes. Wiping them away hastily before pacing to the side of the room.

“I traveled across states for her. I snuck through hordes of infected and killed people for her. I did so _much_ and yet she left me.”

  
“It’s not that simple, Dina. You know that.  
  


“So, I’m just supposed to sit here and…and forgive her? Try to make things right between us? she frustratedly exclaimed, holding the bridge of her nose whilst shaking her head.

“That’s something you need to decide on, Dina. I can’t say any of the options are right or wrong. But what you need to know is that it’s your choice. Find what’s right for you and J.J.”

“That doesn’t make it easy, Robin”

He let out a laugh, shaking his head slightly, “It aint supposed to be easy, Dina. But at least it’s your choice.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lights were blinding as her eyes began to open, a dull throb arching up her arm into her chest as she came to. Her throat was dry making it painful to swallow, her eyes wandering the plain room for clues to where she was. Sitting up, she accidentally hit her arm against the side of the stretcher. Cursing in pain, she cradled her arm. Only then did she notice the cast that was wrapped around her arm, the bone white slightly off from the white tiled floor.

“Doctors said you’d be awake around now.” A gruff voice sounded in the corner, amusement littering his words. The man approached her, leaving a glass of water at her side before retreating to the chair once more.

Groggy and barely able to make out the person sitting in the makeshift visiting chair, she tried to squint but the sleep in her eyes pricked the side of her eye. She scowled before rubbing her eyes, causing them to water slightly.

“You look like shit, Ellie.” He chuckled, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. Ellie simply gave a soft smile as she recognized the voice.  
  


“Well, if you got jumped by a bear, you’d get your ass slapped too. Probably couldn’t see it comin’ either.” She sipped the glass of water at her side.

  
A harsh laughter erupted in the corner as Tommy leaned back in his chair. “Glad to see that there’s still some old Ellie left in there. Does the hand hurt much?”

She shrugged, “It hurts alright, but it’s not that bad. I’ll live.”

An awkward silence permeated through the room as Tommy knelt forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He rubbed the bridge of his nose before looking up at Ellie, the minuets passing by as they simply looked at each other.

“I’m…I’m glad your ok. And that…and that I’m sorry.”

“Tommy…”

“No…not, let me finish, Ellie. I’m sorry for tearing your family apart when you were happy. That I ripped you away from Dina and J.J after everything we lost and went through. We should’ve let it him rest but I…I couldn’t let him go.” He looked up at her, the life in one eye juxtaposed with the death in the other. “And…I lost everything. I thought I lost you.”

“Tommy…I killed her.”

“What?”

“I…I shot her, Tommy. I shot her dead.”


End file.
